That's Better

Today was great!

I know I shouldn't be proud of my ED, and I'm not one of those people who thinks it's a ~lifestyle choice~ or anything, but it's an incredible feeling, not eating. I love feeling light (though it's only been a day, so I'm not quite there yet). I love feeling in control. I love not having to feel guilty.

All in all, I had 6 calories today, from gum. And that's not even swallowed. The only thing I've swallowed today are water and diet pills. I love this feeling; like everything is right with the world.

Tonight I went to a dance called the "Homo Hustle". It was basically a queer-friendly dance. Very few people showed up (which I'm glad for, as large crowds make me very nervous). I can't dance to save my life, but I swayed back and forth. Hopefully two hours of rocking from foot to foot will have burned calories. Although honestly, I did end up swinging my hips and crouching a bit... Not sure if that's considered dancing, but that's what the other girls seemed to be doing. And my thighs are a bit sore from it, so I'm certain I burned off the 6 calories from the gum (besides walking there and back, as well as walking to my classes, and all the other things I've done today).

I really want to clean my room, it's a MESS. And when I'm in control, I hate messes. But when I'm eating, I'm messy as hell. Well, I ate for quite a while this time, so my room looks like a tornado hit it. The only problem is that usually my weird, homophobic roommate goes home on Thursdays and doesn't come back until Tuesdays. But this weekend she has a midterm (or so I assume; I see no other reason for her to stay for the weekend, she never has before). So I can't clean now, at nearly 1 a.m., because I'd wake her. I don't want her to be tired for her midterm. We may not have spoken since I hung up my rainbow flag in September, but I still want the best for her.
And I can't clean during the day, because I'm terribly self-conscious about cleaning; I can't do it when anyone is around. And if she leaves, then I'll want to spend that time exercising. My stair-stepper is really squeaky, and I'm self-conscious about exercising too. Hopefully she's isn't staying for the whole weekend. Fingers crossed she takes the first bus home after her midterm and doesn't return until Tuesday.

But the thing that bothers me most about sharing a room with her is her eating. Every single day, she gets a big Harvey's combo. She comes home with it, sits at her desk, and chews. Loudly. It makes me feel sick every single time. She fucking chews and chews and chews and I can hear her lips smacking and I start to hyperventilate and I have to control myself so she won't think I'm even more bonkers than I am, so I have to just sit there and listen to her chewchewchewchewing. And she's thin! I don't understand! She's far thinner than me, and yet she sits there and chewchewchewchews her Harvey's. And today I saw a wrapper in her garbage bin from a cookie, one of the ones in our vending machines that have 600 someodd calories. How can she eat that?? And how does she stay so thin?? The eating habits of others don't usually bother me, it's just if I have to watch.. or worse, hear. It sounds so judgmental and awful and I'm so sorry, Roommate. I really am.

I started taking my "Flush the Fat with Internal Flush" pills again. They're basically just a colon cleanse. It's a great way to kickstart new regimes. It helps you feel like you've voided your whole body, and you can begin with a clean slate. Great feeling, that.

I'm really sorry for any time I glorify EDs on this blog. I don't mean to. It's just that EDs do serve a purpose, just like cutting served a purpose when I was younger, just like alcohol serves a purpose to alcoholics, or drugs to drug addicts. They may hurt more in the long run, but in the short run, sometimes they're the only coping mechanisms you have.

I don't know what pain I have to "cope" with. My life has been easy.

I guess it's just... the greyness. Have you ever been lost in the fog? I suppose it's depression, but that somehow indicates sadness. Dysthymia would probably be the technical term. But The Fog, or The Greyness, it's different. It's that feeling you get where every day looks exactly the same, and there's just nothing. Sometimes good things happen, and you're happy. Sometimes bad things happen and you're sad. But most of the time, you're just grey, and numb.
But when you don't eat, it's like you're floating. You can float above all of that. You can obsessively organize the food in your food drawer and then hide it away, knowing it's safe and it can't hurt you (or become part of you). You can line up your books alphabetically, or as I like to do, by height. You can do your homework and then check it and then check it again and have no room for other thoughts. You can smile to yourself, knowing the future is going to be okay.

I guess that's the difference. I do want to be thin (oh I so want to be thin), but it's not just for the sake of being thin. It's for control and for feeling like I could grab onto a handful of balloons and float away and never have to trudge through the mud again, never have to step on hard stones again, never have to feel pain again, just floatfloatfloat away.

I'm sorry, I don't really know what I'm saying. All I know it that I was thinner today. 150.2 lbs. Congratulations to me.

I hope it stays that way.

6 calories, 150.2 lbs. That's what it comes down to: numbers. They're objective, you can control them. You can't control feelings. You can control grades to an extent, but if you're a fucking idiot like me, you can't really. You can just try your best and cry when you realize that you don't have what it takes. You can't control your career, you can just find out you're a failure and can't even fucking work at a coffee shop because you're such a goddamn worthless piece of shit.
Sorry, I didn't mean "you". I meant "I". "I'm such a goddamn worthless piece of shit."

Sorry, again. Don't mean to rant so much; these posts are all so long. I guess this is the only place that I can write this freely. Besides my dear dear diary, who I've sadly been neglecting. I really need to return to her... she only has a few more pages left, and then I guess I'll start the beautiful new one that I got.

Well, I guess that's it. I doubt anyone will ever read this, but it's comforting to write.

Peace to you.


P.S. Here's a picture of me, just so you can put a face to the (fake) name. In case anyone ever reads this.

It's really unflattering... but that's probably because I'm just plain ugly.