I Hate Myself

I guess this is just a continuation of last night's self-hating rant, but I can't stand myself. I really really can't.

I was reading through different websites about EDs, and they had things like "We are battling with ourselves over what we are convinced we deserve (and that our negative voices keep reminding us of) as opposed to what we truly do deserve (recovery, happiness and self-love!)."
But all I can do when I read something like that is think I DO DESERVE ALL THE BAD SHIT IN MY LIFE and I DON'T DESERVE RECOVERY, HAPPINESS, OR SELF-LOVE! 
A friend today told me that I needed to respect myself more. And I responded with, "To be honest, I don't deserve respect."


I just hate everything about myself. I'm worthless. I have nothing to be sad about, yet I'm sad. I probably don't even have a legitimate eating disorder, but I sit here and whine about it.


This morning I weighed in at 146.7 lbs. I love controlling that stupid number.
Although my BMI might be a lot higher than I thought it was. I thought I was 5'11, but everyone told me I had to be at least 6'0... but then I was measured at the doctor, and I was 5'10. But the nurse said, "Yeah, people keep telling me this is an inch off..."
So I could be anywhere from 5'10 to 6'0, I'm really not sure. I hope I'm 6'0, because that means my BMI is a lot more acceptable that it would be if I was 5'11 or 5'10. If I'm 5'10, my UWG is going to have to be a LOT lower.




In other news, I am a lazy motherfucker.
I have SO MUCH homework to do, but I haven't been doing it. I keep trying, but I just don't have the energy... And I'm doing two different group projects this week, so I have to do the work; other people are relying on me. And I'm trying, I really am, but... it's so hard. I just can't.
Even stupid things like showering are beyond me right now. I have to shower, it's probably been about a week. 
It's not physical energy. That could be easily explained with the whole "I haven't eaten since Tuesday" thing. It's emotional energy. I just don't care. I want to sleep and cry and do nothingnothingnothing.


I wish this semester was over. I want to jump forward into the end of April, when I'm done all my exams. And ideally, I'll have lost a shit tonne of weight, gotten amazing grades, and been perfect.


I am trying, I really am trying. I'm trying not to "wallow" and I'm trying to just get over myself and do the necessary work. But it's so goddamn hard... I just want to sleep sleep sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.


Fuck life. I hate being alive.

EDIT (3:23 a.m.): E just told me this:
"If you start eating normally again (which you eventually will anyway) all this other stuff will be a lot easier and less anxiety inducing for you. Your brain is fucked up right now because it doesn't have enough fuel to run on, but it will be a lot easier to concentrate on your work and be productive once you start feeding it better."
First of all, I hate that she said "which you eventually will anyway". What's that supposed to mean? That I have so little control, that I'm such a fuck-up, that I can't deny myself food properly? Fuck that.
And secondly, I feel worse when I'm eating, because all I can think about is how much I hate myself and how out of control I feel and how guilty I feel for eating and all of those other terrible thoughts. 


Whatever. I'm a fuck up and my emotions don't matter.
I'm going to go shower. I had another "energy chew" (45 calories, fuck everything), so I won't be able to sleep tonight. Hopefully I'll use the time wisely, and ACTUALLY GET SOME WORK DONE. But knowing me, I'll be lazy and stupid instead.
Hate being me.