Exist

I've been updating infrequently, and I do apologize. I don't think anyone reads this anymore, but I apologize nonetheless.

I've just been... overwhelmed. First I was spending too long sleeping, and reblogging thinspo in between sleep. Now I'm reblogging thinspo, and almost never sleeping.

Today (well, technically, yesterday), I went out for coffee with a friend (an elderly woman I met at a church). A few days ago, I admitted to her that I had an ED. I'm playing a part in a play she wrote, and I had to tell her that there was a possibility I would have to leave town rather suddenly, so I needed an understudy just in case. I couldn't think of a way to say that without sounding suspicious, so I just came right out and said, "I might not be able to do it if I have to go to inpatient treatment for my eating disorder." She immediately said, "We need to go out for coffee this week," and so yesterday we did. First she took me to vote (my first time being old enough! I'm extremely disappointed with the results, though ― Harper won a majority government. There go my rights and freedoms...), and then we ran several errands that she needed to do. I tagged along.

After the voting, while we were on our way to do errands, she said, "Are you doing the bulimia thing or the not-eating thing?" and I responded, "The not-eating thing." She said, "Good, you're not puking and you're not emaciated or anything, so I don't need to worry."
And that was that.

I honestly wanted to cry. I know she's right, I obviously don't look emaciated. I'm at a healthy weight. But all I heard was, "You're fat, so I don't need to worry." That's how it translated in my head.

The rest of the day, I just did fake smiles and fake conversation and fake laughs, all while crying in my head. I hate myself. Why am I so disgusting? Even other people notice how fat I am, obviously. Otherwise she would be worried.

With the Harper win, the amount I had to eat today while hanging out with another friend, and the elderly friend's "not emaciated" comments, I'm basically not pleased in general. And by that, I mean I fucking hate myself and my world so much, I don't know what to do.

But I do know what to do. I'll tell you exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to take that "not emaciated" comment as a challenge. I'm going to fast for 10 days, and then I'm going to do the ABC, and then I'm going to fast for a couple of days, and then I'm going to do the SGD.
So it will be:

10 Days Fast
And then:

And then fast for three days, and then:

That takes me to the end of July. My best friend's high school graduation is on June 18th, and exactly a month later is my birthday (and within the week before my own, the birthdays of all of my family members). Hopefully, I'll be at least close to my UGW in time for the graduation (at very minimum, I hope to be technically underweight by that point), and I'll have reached it in time for my birthday. Or so I hope.

And this is all assuming that I can get out of going to treatment. I'm applying for jobs this week, I'm making diet plans for the summer... I'm basically pretending it's not going to happen. It may very well happen. Hell, for all I know, I'm going next week. And that terrifies me.

It's 6:00 a.m. Last night I went to sleep around the same time, and woke up a couple hours later. The night before, I got maybe 2 hours of sleep. Why can't I sleep anymore? I mean, I could. I just don't want to.

But I'm going to. So good night... or good morning.
Here are some light, floaty dresses. Note to self: Remember floating. Don't eat; remember floating.