Losing

I think I'm going to start updating here again.

I had totally abandoned my blog for tumblr (add me if you have one! http://legslikecigarettes.tumblr.com), but I don't talk about myself there. I just reblog thinspo and stuff. So I'm going to come back here to talk about my life, and use my tumblr for my thinspo. It seems like a good answer to me.

The first thing that's necessary to update you on is this: I am definitely going to inpatient treatment. It sucks, I'm so upset. I don't want to go! I'm finally losing weight steadily. All of my GWs are lined up and in sight. It actually feels possible, for the first time ever. It feels totally possible. Especially since I measured myself today and found out that I'm 5'10¾, instead of the 5'10 I had been using before. So my BMI is lower than I thought, which is great. I'm using 5'10½ on my measurements, though because it's easier; I don't want to seem too finicky.
But now it will all be ruined. They said I should be admitted within 2-5 weeks. That's so soon! I might miss the skit I'm supposed to be in, I might miss going to Cirque du Soleil with my friend, I might miss my best friend's graduation... there are so many things I could miss. It's terrifying. And I'm going to have to gain weight, which means I'll be fat forever. I'll never be thin, unless I relapse when I come out, which means I'll have wasted everyone's time. And I looked at their sample meal plan... I honestly can't do it. It's terrifying. I really can't eat that much food.

This is the place I'm going: http://www.homewood.org/healthcentre/main.php
It's supposed to be one of the best in Canada. Elizabeth Taylor went there for her alcoholism, and it was even Michael Jackson's first choice (although he didn't go, because they couldn't get together enough security for him). I keep trying to convince myself that this will be good. But I'm finally losing weight! And my health isn't in danger or anything, it's stupid to think that I need this. Because I don't. It's overkill. I do not need inpatient. I mean, look at my weight! I'm not even close to underweight!
This is just honestly stupid and I don't want it.

Anyway, I'm going to go put dirty dishes in the kitchen so it will look like I've eaten, take my diet pills and drink a bunch of water, and then go for a run.