Eating

So now that my mom knows, everything sucks. I have to eat all the time. Every time we make plans, she says "But not until you're healthy." It's hell. She comments on how thin I look, which is BULLSHIT as I am at a totally healthy weight and look like a fat ass.

It just sucks knowing I'll never get to be thin.

I've spent a lot of time over the past couple of days saving and sorting thinspo on my computer. I should be studying for my exam on Monday, or studying, or something. But I'm not. I'm eating and being lazy and looking at pictures of people I envy.

I've had to eat so much, it's making me feel like shit. Physically, as well as emotionally. Physically, I've been nauseous, I've had diarrhea and gas (too much information, I know), my stomach is bloated, I look disgusting... it's terrible. Plus, I'm constantly unhappy and anxious... I wish I could go back in time and keep my mom from finding out and just keep losing weight.

I wish I didn't have to try to get better. I'm not ready.