Disgusting

I decided to take a break this weekend, try to see what it was like to eat normally, try to be like everyone else, try to have fun with friends.

It was fun. I haven't had fun in a long time, I haven't seen friends in a long time. I haven't done anything except go to classes and sit alone in my room for a long, long time.

But so much of socialization is centred around eating. It's like everyone I know is obsessed with eating. I can't even fathom how much I've grown this weekend, how much weight I've gained. I know some of it is water weight, but certainly not all of it. So tomorrow, I stop eating yet again. Hopefully I shall stop for good this time; I can't stand eating anymore. It takes too much out of me. I'm incapable. I tried my best, but I give up. 'Recovery' and I were not meant to be together.

I spent the better part of Friday and today ripping pictures of skinny people out of magazines and gluing them into a notebook I bought, with reminders about why I shouldn't eat anymore, how stressful it is and how much I always regret it. My promise is that I have to read the book every time I want to eat. By the end of the book, I can promise you that I won't want to eat anymore. But it's rare that I ever want to eat these days. It's generally only that I must eat to be social. Well, no more. I have too much studying to do to be social, anyway. Exams are in just over a week, and I am far from prepared for them... and I still have great amounts of work to complete before that time. Final projects and essays are staring over me, and I'm really not sure how I'll be able to complete them all. I'll just have to turn into a machine. Sleep is for failures, food is for failures. I will be a perfect machine, and I will do nothing but study and work.

I'm going to go shower. I might eat something, a sort of 'last meal' before I march off into the victory of starvation.

Farewell.