Broken

I don't know how to do this anymore. I'm so tired. I slept through all of today (missing my French and Women in Literature classes of the semester), and now I want to go to sleep again. I know I can't ― I have an essay to complete by tomorrow, and then I have to study for my exams next week. Luckily, after Tuesday, I have more than a week before my next exam, so I can relax for a while. Hopefully I'll be able to get in some exercise, too. I rarely exercise, I just don't have the energy for it. But I'm going to try to start running again. My fat ass could use some exercise.

But honestly. I'm so tired. I want to give up, ignore essays and studying and just curl up under my bed and sleep and never face the world again.

I'm especially terrified for the end of this month, when I have to go back home. I have no bed to crawl under there, just a mattress in a little tiny room filled with boxes and other stored items. My bedroom is my mom's storage room. I'll have to live there for the summer, get a job (for which I'll have to actually get out of bed ― no skipping like I do with classes), see my mom daily, try to hide food, socialize with my brother, hide my eating disorder from my friends, all of that. It's going to be exhausting. I want to stay with my friend in Nunavut, but it would be so expensive... and I'm probably going to visit my aunt in Florida for a while. It will be lovely, as I almost never get to vacation, and it will be my first time on a plane, but I dread the hot weather and the food that I will be expected to eat. It will be much harder to hide poor eating habits. And the purpose of our trip is to comfort my poor dear aunt, whose husband is now going to a hospice where he will live out his remaining days. Her husband is all she really has besides her old old cat, so I hate to think that she will soon be without him. We will inevitably end up doing some fun sorts of things, like swimming at the Gulf (where I will have to fit my fat body into a bathing suit) and maybe even going to Disney World for a day (we went once when I was 13, and it was wonderful). But it will all require so much food... Hopefully my mother will spend a lot of time with my aunt, so I'll be able to escape their gaze for a while.

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see friends or do homework or do anything. I want to sit in the shower with warm water falling down on me, I want to curl up in warm blankets and try to sleep, I want to smoke in the lovely warm weather we've been having (3°C ― almost all of the snow is gone!), I want to sit with my face in my knees and cry. That's what I want to do.

It's 10:30 at night. I think I'm going to go to the café nearby and grab a coffee, have a smoke, and then buckle down and do my essay.