Morning

Good morning.
Well, actually, good afternoon ― it's 12:30.

I didn't sleep, of course. I edited my essay as well as I could, handed it in, went to my last class as a first year, and now I'm free! I just have to finish my office hour at the Photo Arts Club (half an hour to go), take my computer to the library to hopefully be fixed, and then go home and sleep! Of course, then I will have to wake up and study like crazy, but the sleep will be nice, if only for a while.

My eyelids are definitely starting to get heavy and blurry. It's been a long, interesting night. I ended up making friends with two people who have always expressed great dislike toward me before... And I suddenly feel a lot less superficial, less like I'm skimming over the top of life. I feel more engaged. We'll see if the feeling lasts once my head is on straight (in other words, once I sleep).

Being tired and lacking in food always gives me this wonderfully pleasant feeling of floating. I feel as though I am somewhat ethereal, and suddenly much older and more mature than I once had been. Again, once I've slept, we'll see if the feeling lasts. I haven't eaten since Wednesday, so hopefully I can begin to recover from my terrible weight gain. I can't wait to get back under 150 lbs. I'm sure that, once I sleep, I will be under 150 lbs. I hope so, anyway. And I'm doing some silly April challenge. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times ― I am not pro-ana. But I do want to see how I do, and it would be nice to win one of those lovely little bracelets that are being offered to the weight loss winners. My goal is to get down to 135 pounds by the end of April. That's only about 15 pounds ― very doable for a month! If all goes well, hopefully I will end the month even lighter than that. I doubt it, but again, we'll see what happens. So every Monday, I will go back to the website of the contest organizer, and post my weight. I really hope that I lose quite a bit... I'm sick of feeling like such a whale.

It's interesting. I used to starve when I was feeling like a total trainwreck, and feel like a trainwreck when I was starving. Now, I really don't feel that terrible. I am certainly still a mess, but I don't feel as though my whole life is coming to a halt, and I don't feel the need to burden anyone outside of this blog with unloading my problems. I certainly still hate myself, but my self-hatred isn't as extreme as it has been in the past. I almost feel hopeful, like the future will bring good things. I hope it does. I know that eating disorders are illnesses, so I guess I hope that I can recover, but Monika is winning out on this one... I more strongly hope that I can lose weigh and become small and perfect and in control.

The only problem with all of this is that I feel guilty for not being a trainwreck .If I'm starving myself, I should be a trainwreck, shouldn't I? I mean, I'm definitely not overjoyed right now. My father died in November, and this morning I found a sort of diary post that I'd written in 2009 about how we were saving up to go skydiving together because he hadn't been in 30 years. When I found it, I suddenly started sobbing and sobbing, I could hardly breathe. I'm also dealing with friends in various crises, I'm overwhelmed with school, and everything is a wreck. I honestly should be more upset than I am. I guess I'm not even really feeling happy right now... just floaty. Above it all. Maybe that's what I love about starving. Your brain doesn't work well enough to focus on things, you're not drowning in emotions and situations. You're floating above it all. That's fucked up, I'm sorry. But that's how I feel. I guess I just think... why am I starving myself? I used to know. I used to be able to point to control and perfection and self-esteem and whatever else. Now, I don't even know. I guess I still want control, I still want perfection, I still hate myself. But it isn't as passionately. I guess nothing is passionate right now. I'm floating. Again, maybe once I sleep, I'll fall back to earth again.
 
I don't really know what I'm saying, I'm sorry. My eyes are glazed over from exhaustion, and I really don't know how to feel anymore. Or what to say. Or what to think. I'm just floating.

I'll let you know when I come crashing back down.