Sick

Yesterday I kept getting suddenly nauseous and then throwing up. I threw up twice, slept for many hours, threw up two more times, slept until this morning... and suddenly I feel fine! I went to class this morning and everything.

I have no clue what was wrong. How odd! All I had in my stomach was water, but it somehow felt a bit cleansing, even though I hate being sick and have never been the purging type. Is that odd?

I haven't eaten anything in a few days... Monday morning I had a bit of coffee with cream and sugar, but I definitely didn't drink the whole thing, or even half. Yesterday just water. Today I started sucking on a peppermint, but then looked it up and realized it was 50 calories, so I spat it out. I only sucked it for a few seconds, so I probably only got about 5 calories. I also had half of a Coke Zero (and I may finish the rest soon) because I needed to take my meds and I wanted to wash the taste of vomit out of my mouth. Gross.

Even though it has no calories, I still feel really guilty for drinking the Coke Zero... Is that weird?

I've been really focused lately on something my mom said recently. She was staying over with me, and I told her that I usually only had a soy milk for breakfast (which wasn't a total lie ― at the time, one soy milk per day was all I was consuming, but I usually had them in the morning, so...)
She knows I used to have an eating disorder (she thinks I'm all better) so I quickly followed up by assuring her that I did eat enough, I just didn't like to have something heavy in the morning.
She said, "Oh, I know you eat enough, I can tell. You look really healthy."
I know that wasn't meant as an insult, but boy did it ever sound like one in my head! All I hear from that is, "You eat too much, you're fat."
But I haven't eaten anything substantial since Sunday afternoon. So I feel okay. Still heavy and disgusting, but okay. Better. As long as I keep losing weight, it will be okay. I'm under 150 lbs again, so that's really nice.
Even though nobody reads this, I always feel so nervous about posting my weight. I know 150 lbs must seem very heavy. And admittedly, it is. But I am 5'10.5, so while for shorter people it would be quite heavy, for my height it's not that bad. When I hear people talking about being 80 pounds, it terrifies me. If I was 80 pounds, my BMI would be 11.3. Even if I was 100 pounds, which might seem almost normal to some people, my BMI would be frighteningly low. So the height difference really does matter.

I felt sort of weak and dizzy today, maybe just from getting over that weird, short little sickness yesterday.

I have so much homework to do, it's almost painful to think about it. I've been so lazy, and I can't seem to convince myself to actually get around to doing work! All I want to do is sleep and be lazy and play games and ignore my homework. But I have to do French grammar, do some readings for Women's Studies, read some French articles to prepare for my oral exam tomorrow, finish reading two novels, do the outline/draft for my final essay for English, do my final project for Women's Studies, and then do all of my exams. Exhausting!

Also, it turns out I can't do that laser body treatment thing until school is over. You have to go for several appointments over the course of a week or two, and it's in the city where my mom lives. So I have to wait for school to end so I can go back home and get it done. I hope to have barely eaten anything between now and then (in about a month), so I'm scared they won't let me do it by that point, if I'm thinner and look like I don't need it. But I want it so badly! I have so many stubborn fat areas, it drives me crazy.

Well, I'm going to go... nap? And then probably do some homework if I can force myself, go to Women's Studies (the lecture was cancelled because my professor is ill, but I'll be able to pick up my project proposal from my T/A and ask for her input), and then go to the Open Mic. It's going to be one of the last ones! Maybe I'll sign up to sing, I did it once before and had an amazing time. I just always become very nervous about singing in front of people, as I have very little confidence in my voice.

P.S. I took a few pictures of myself nude... if anyone secretly reads this blog and wants to see how very fat I am, I'll show you upon request. But otherwise, nope!

Here are some people I wish I looked like.