Here We Go Again

Up and down, up and down.

I started hating myself more than ever. Mirrors make me cry, I've been desperately trying to fight my way out of my own body, and emerge something new, pure, without fat and flesh to fetter me to the earth.

Yesterday I was hanging out with my friend and he was trying to tell me I wasn't fat, and I told him that he didn't know that because my clothes covered it up so he wouldn't be able to see how fat I really was. And so then he reached over and poked my stomach.

Now that might seem like a pretty small thing, but to me, to anyone with an eating disorder, that is HUGE and terrifying and I immediately stood up and said "I'm going to the washroom," and locked myself in the bathroom and cried and hyperventilated and had a panic attack... it was awful. I felt so disgusting. I still feel so disgusting.

I've been having nightmares where I just eat and eat and I can't stop myself from eating. I wake up terrified that it's true and I really did eat all that. It never is, but it's enough to put me off eating for the rest of the day.

But over the weekend, I was back home. And so of course I had to eat. And eat. And eat. I wish I was better at hiding it, so my mom wouldn't notice. Maybe I'm just paranoid, maybe she really wouldn't. She's not forcing me to go to inpatient anymore, so it's possible. I think I have to go home for a day next weekend to (but for a good reason ― I'll explain in a minute) so I'll try hiding it next time.

So yeah, the good thing: my mom bought a laser fat reduction thing for both of us! Apparently they run lasers over your body, and it melts your fat, which then enters your bloodstream and comes out as waste. I really hope it works! She bought it for herself, and I said it sounded great so she got me an appointment too! So we're going together on Saturday. We're also getting massages. It's so exciting! My family is far from rich (not that I don't appreciate what I have, because I really do; I just mean that we have very little disposable income), but she got the massage and the laser treatment using this discount thing she's a member of, so it ended up being extremely inexpensive. I'm really excited, I hope it works! Apparently you lose a dress size after the first week, and up to 3 dress sizes overall. Fingers crossed!

I hope that works out. I'm just so depressed about my body... I mean, I'm depressed about everything. But focusing it on my body is the easiest thing to do, so I ignore everything else. My body is a great thing to focus on, because if I don't eat, I can change it and manipulate it. And I can control it. It's mine, and it doesn't hurt anyone else when I hurt myself... as long as they don't know about it. That's the problem. Too many people know. And it hurts them. I hate hurting them. So I'm trying to slowly distance myself from everyone so they'll stop caring, and I'll be able to waste away in peace, until I am dead and my stupid body rots and I'm nothing but hollow, rotted bones.
I hate me. I hate everything about me. I hate my brain. It's stupid and fucked up and worthless. I'm unintelligent as hell, I'm such a fuck up I can't do school as well as I need to be. I have no talent either. I'm terrible at everything I try. And my personality sucks. I complain and whine and bitch, I'm not there for other people, I'm selfish as hell. And all the shitty parts of myself manifest as my body. My stupid, stupid body. I have fat rolls all over. My thighs rub together when I walk, my ass is lumpy and huge, my hips spill out over my jeans, and my stomach... I can't stand my stomach. It's the worst part. It's like this giant blob where all of my self-hatred just rolls up and sits and stews, making me look and feel heavy and disgusting and fat fat fat fat FAT!

All I want to do these days is sit in my room and cry and cry and cry until I cry all the fat out and disappear. I want to waste away until I disappear without anyone noticing I'm gone, become invisible and slip away in the night.

It's like my flesh is suffocating me, I can't breathe, I can't escape.I'm buried under flesh, I'm chained to my body. I want to be a hollow-boned blackbird and fly away on the next silver Northern wind and be totally free from this stupid life.