Failure

I did not have a good night by any means.

I went crazy and found myself wondering if I had food. Why would I care? I don't eat food! But I checked my food drawer. All I had was bouillon, rice, tea, honey, and agave nectar (the latter two for sweetening tea). I grabbed the bottle of agave nectar and started sucking it straight from the bottle. Disgusting! That is pure carbs, pure disgusting calorie-filled carbs! That was probably 120 calories. Then I freaked out and went to have a shower with the condition that I couldn't come out until I didn't want food anymore. So I sat in the hot water and wanted to cry. I tried to purge even though I've never really done that, but no matter how hard I tried, nothing came out. I felt like shit.

When I finally got out of the shower, I went on the internet and saved a whole bunch of thinspiration pictures. I also found something that said that if you eat absolutely nothing, you can gain weight. That freaked me out so I drank a third of the gingerale I was saving for my exam on Monday (probably 100 calories), and I made 2 packets of bouillon (10 calories each, so 20 in total there). That's so many calories, I don't even understand how I did that. Then I went to sleep, slept for a ridiculous amount of time (although I occasionally woke up for a few minutes, and in those little intervals I sipped on the gingerale, drinking another third of it), and finally woke up a few hours ago. I then finished the gingerale, took my multivitamins (which are chewable, so therefore calorie-filled), and started studying more for French.

I'm so disgusted with myself.

I was 147.7 lbs at some point this morning (during one of those intervals when I was awake for a few moments), which is more than a pound higher than yesterday. That terrified me, but I knew part of it was water weight. This afternoon when I woke up again, I was back to 146.4, the same as yesterday. I'm disappointed because this is the first day in a while that I haven't lost weight, but it's still better than gaining. I wish I could just magic away pounds.

I wish I could eat without caring (or even better, eat and still magically lose weight). I miss enjoying food. I love food, I really do. It's delicious. I miss thinking of my favourite foods as treats, not as dangers to be avoided. I wish I could eat mashed potatoes with gravy, and poutine, and steak, and chips, and chocolate bars, and all of that. I miss it. But the thought of eating those things paralyzes me with fear. I wish I wasn't sick anymore.

I feel like I've hit a sort of plateau. I never seem to get below 146 lbs. I want to so badly, but I just can't see it happening. I'm going to try, though. I so badly want to get to 120 lbs, so so badly.

PerfectingMyEmptiness, thank you so much for commenting. It really means a lot to me that somebody is reading this, that these thoughts aren't just going out into nowhere. It means a lot that you care enough to comment.

Well, back to studying French.
Peace.
(All the pictures today are warm summer and spring pictures. It's so warm! I was so surprised when I checked the weather. I expected it to be a maximum of 5°, but all of a sudden it's 22°! No joke! It's hilarious looking out my window at everyone laughing and playing in t-shirts and shorts, next to the last remaining piles of snow that refuse to melt.)