Decent

This morning, I'm feeling pretty alright.

I'm terrified for my exam this afternoon, I'm just sure I'm going to fail this one like I probably failed yesterday's. I hope I can remember everything, and think of a good thesis for the essay portion, and remember all of the definitions... I'm re-reading all of the powerpoints right now, refreshing my mind about racial construction theory and gender essentialism vs. gender construction, as well as trying to remember specific events and themes in the novels and texts we read so that I can know what I'm talking about. It's not looking good.

But on the plus side, I was right about the water weight. I'm now 145.7 pounds, which is lower than I have been in longer than I can remember. It's wonderful. I hope to keep losing and losing. Maybe I'll even win the April challenge and get myself a nice bracelet! Who knows.

I'm more and more terrified to go back home, though. I'll have to wear baggy clothes in case the change is noticeable (my thighs are only barely touching anymore), and I'll have to hide food so it looks like I'm eating enough.

Honestly, in my opinion, I've been eating more than enough for the past couple of days. I woke up this morning and ate a few carrot sticks, and yesterday I snacked on various vegetables. I also had an apple juice this morning, and will probably have a few soy milks and some delicious fruit salad later. After my exam, I'll probably start cutting back a bit more, though. I'll still keep carrots in my room so that I won't snack on anything less holy, but I'm going to try to have a single soy milk per day for a while. That's 140 calories per day, which isn't too too terrible. It's not as low as I'd like to be, but that's okay.

This is probably going to sound disgusting, but I probably weigh even less now, because I finally just had a bowel movement after taking a really gentle laxative. I haven't had a bowel movement in over a week. That's some pretty bad constipation! So I've probably just lost some weight from that, haha.

I'm really enjoying the sun right now. It rose as I sat in the fireplace lounge of my residence, where I am now. It tinted everything golden and shimmered in through the huge windows and I can feel this wonderful morning stain crawling across my face and lighting my smile. I think that today will be a good day. I'm still probably going to fail my exam, but I'm trying to let go of my perfectionism (a few months ago, the thought of getting less than an A would have sent me flying into a panic attack) and just be.

I'm going to study now. Even if I'm relaxed about it, I should still be prepared.

P.S. My thighs looks really small. I think it's just an illusion from the way I'm sitting, but it's a lovely illusion, and I can't help but believe that they really will be that small soon, and that the one little place where they barely touch won't touch at all anymore.