I Wish Someone Read This

Today was good and bad... I woke up and was 147.8 pounds, and it felt like shit. I didn't know how I'd gained weight, I didn't eat anything! But I just weighed myself again just now, and I'm 145.5 pounds. Thank god, that's almost 10 pounds lost since Thursday.

But the thing is, I'm mad worried about my health. Today I had a group presentation. I was second last to go, and for the entire time my group members were presenting, I felt like I was going to faint. And I don't just mean I felt weak or something. I mean that everything went black, I was swaying back and forth, I felt like I was going to throw up, and I couldn't tell at times whether I was conscious or not. For the first ¾of the time that I was talking, I still couldn't see, it was all black, so I couldn't see the timer to make sure our presentation wasn't too long, and I couldn't read my notes. Luckily, I knew the subject matter, so I was able to ramble on. I don't know what the hell I said, it probably made no sense, but I did it. And finally, at the end, my vision came back, so I was able to read the quotes I'd prepared.

But it was terrifying! I was going to run out of the room and go sit in the washroom and try not to vomit, but I ended up just going back to my seat after the presentation, doing my quiz, and contributing to class discussions as though I was okay. By that point I was feeling much better, so I went to French, did that whole class taking notes and talking in French and all that. Then at the end, we got our compositions back, and I did quite poorly... We're allowed to rewrite them, but only for an extra 5%, which still leaves me with a shit-tastic grade. I worked so hard on it, too! I wish I wasn't so shit at French.

Anyway, so all day I've been nauseous, as I said. I ended up sleeping after class, and just woke up around 7:00, then watched an episode of Skins (first season) and in a few minutes I'm going to a hall meeting.

But I know I need to consume something with calories. But I'm terrified! It's stupid, a single apple juice would still leave me with a huge calorie deficit, and way less than what bodies are supposed to need to survive, but I so badly don't want to see that scale number go up again... How stupid is that? It's just an apple juice! But it's scary.

I'm probably just dehydrated. I'll drink a bunch more water, and then I'll hopefully feel better.

I almost feel like I should eat a piece of that cheesecake we're getting for our presentation tomorrow, just because I need something and it will be free and it might be weird if I don't eat any... But that probably would have so many calories!

I wish I didn't care.

UPDATE: I went to get an apple juice, and they had my favourite candy in the vending machine next to it. So I got both. And then somebody had forgotten a chocolate bar in the machine, so I grabbed it. Eating the candy now, might eat the chocolate bar too. I want to die.