Surviving

Yesterday I had to eat quite a lot (and I mean a lot ― normal people would consider that about an average day.. yikes)! But I promised not to eat again for a while, so today I've been doing well. Except I had to take my dog for a walk and I felt so dizzy and weak, I ate a cookie (47 calories) before I went. I've been forced to eat so much lately, I can't even starve myself anymore! I feel pathetic, absolutely pathetic. I guess it's something I'll have to work my way back into. I burned off the 47 calories while walking my dog, and now I plan to eat nothing for the rest of the day. I still feel really weak and ill, but fuck it. I don't care. I refuse to eat again today. Refuse! ...But I feel so weak and I have such a headache. I hope I'll be able to last, but I really doubt it.

Tomorrow I have to go to brunch at Cora's, a really lovely restaurant... with huge portions. They serve a lot of fruit, so I should be able to order a plate of fruit and eat about half of it, to stay relatively low calorie. I hope. It's a great restaurant, but they don't have nutrition information posted anywhere! It seems that everything is extremely high calorie, though. According to this website (http://www.healthzone.ca/health/dietfitness/diet/article/817957--the-dish-fruit-filled-breakfast-is-also-loaded-with-calories), the meal they tested had over 1300 calories. Holy shit! That's insane! I want to indulge and just get whatever I want, but I'm scared... maybe I will, and then just eat nothing for the next two days. We'll see.
But it will be nice being with my family. My mom, my brother, and my surrogate sister Tammy will all be going. It should be really nice. I haven't seen Tammy in quite a while. She's wonderful. She called today and we talked for a while. She used to be bulimic, so she's very understanding. She asked if my mother was being in-my-face about food, and she said she would love to go to the friends and family group at the local eating disorder resource centre so she can learn the right things to do and say. She really wants to support me. She told me she would try to encourage my mom to stay out of my eating, because she said that her own eating disorder had been about control, and interference would just make it worse. I'm so glad she gets it!

Even with the crazy amounts of eating from the last week, I'm at 146.2 pounds. Not ideal, but less than I was expecting! I hope to lose as much as possible and win the April Challenge. Go me, go!

I think I'm going to go try to nap off my headache.