Gaining

Ugh, I just keep having to eat and gain and eat and gain... driving me nuts! I ended up eating last night because I took some of my mom's prescription headache medication, and as soon as I did she said, "Oh, and you have to take it with food." So then I made myself dinner and it just kind of opened a seal and I ended up eating quite a lot.

And this morning was, of course, the dreaded breakfast. I just got a bowl of fruit and a glass of orange juice and ate some of my brother's vegetables, but then my mom couldn't finish her brioche so I ate half of a slice of brioche which is probably an unnameable amount of calories. Hopefully (please please please) I'll be able to go the rest of this month without eating and at least get back under 145 lbs for the start of May. On May 1st, though, I have to go out for lunch. So that sucks.

In other news, I've been going on this one internet forum for years. Lately I've been feeling less and less connected to it, and one person in particular has been nastier and nastier to me. Every time I talk about anything even remotely serious, she tells me I'm transparently seeking attention and blah blah blah. I'm just really sick of it. Why do I bother going on there if 'm treated like shit? I think most of the people who like me have contact with me outside of the forum, so I think I'm going to stop going on. I tried to leave a few weeks ago, and made a goodbye thread which got a lot of people begging me to stay, and the aforementioned bitch suddenly becoming very friendly and asking me to stay. She then edited my English essay and offered to send me cigarettes because I was out and was just generally very nice. So I stayed. Although even on that thread, I was criticized for seeking attention. They assumed that I wouldn't have made a thread about leaving if I really wanted to leave, I would have just left. I made the thread so that people who liked me could have my contact information all in one place, but apparently I'm just an attention whore and I wanted them to beg me to stay, or some bullshit like that. So this time I guess I'm just going to leave without saying anything. I just logged out (I usually never log out), and closed the tab (which is usually permanently open). Hopefully I'll be able to stay away. All that happens when I go there is that I get criticized and basically end up feeling like shit. I already feel shitty enough, thanks.

On a happier note, my favourite band (Augustana)'s new album came out yesterday! I bought it today (along with a t-shirt), so it's shipping to my grandma's house in the next few days. I couldn't ship it to my own house because it only went to American addresses, so I used my grandma's. After I sent it, I remembered that my grandma is currently in Florida (instead of her usual Michigan) for an indefinite amount of time, taking care of my aunt. (My aunt's husband is on his death bed. My mom had a premonition last night that someone would die today, and sure enough we got a call from my aunt telling us that his condition had declined and he was expected to die imminently. We're going to go down to Florida for the memorial, which should be nice. I'm sad, my uncle was a really great guy.) So I won't get my CD and t-shirt for quite a while. The purchase also came with a downloadable version, though, so I can at least listen to it before then. But first I have to get together with my good friend Jai. It's his favourite band too, so we want to listen to it together for the first time. So I'm waiting for him to get off work and then I'm going to call him and see if he can hang out tonight. Unfortunately, his parents are really controlling and he has almost no time to himself, so it probably won't happen. So I've just been listening to the one song we've both already heard on repeat. Maybe I'll put on my eating disorder playlist... I don't want to get sick of this song!
And they're playing in a city close to mine at the end of May, so I'm going to buy a ticket and take a train up to Toronto and find a youth hostel to stay at, so I can go. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to go to an Augustana concert. I hope they'll play one or two of their old songs, too.

Now that I'm back in London, I'm going to start going to this support group for EDs that I used to go to. It's a lovely group. It meets at 6:30 on Wednesdays. Ironically, I'm hoping I'll be able to avoid dinner by going to it. fucked up, right? Oh well.
They also have a free young adult group (the normal one costs $5 per session). I'm going to ask Gill, the facilitator, if I can go to that one. I'm in the age range, but they're offered at the local university and the local college. I, obviously, am a student at neither. Hopefully they'll let me go anyway?

I don't even know what to do with my time now that school is over. I guess I'm going to try to get a job, and I'm going to try to afford Driver's Ed courses so I can get cheaper insurance. I'm a decent driver, but I want to be able to pass the test, so I was going to just get two lessons plus use of the car on test day... but the insurance would be so much lower if I got the course, it might be worth it. So hopefully those two things will give me something to do with my time. But what else? Most of my computer time is spent on the aforementioned forum, so there goes the majority of my wasted time. I guess I have time to catch up on reading now, but I'm not even in the mood to read (one of my favourite activities)! I guess I'll just... sleep.

I also am being forced to clean a lot tomorrow. My mom wants to go through all of my dad's old stuff, which I honestly can't even begin to think about doing. All of the boxes of his crap are just sitting there, and everyone else wants to sort through them and throw out the junk and find places for things. But I can't. I'm not ready.
And then they want to go through all of our other stuff. My bedroom at my mom's place is basically just a mattress, a dresser, and then a whole bunch of boxes and other stored junk. It would be nice to actually have enough room in my bedroom to stand up, but there's so much junk, I don't have energy to go through it all. And then they want to go through all the stuff I brought back from school and throw out whatever I don't need and organize and find places for things and all that bullshit. I don't care, I'm tired, I hate sorting through things. I really don't want to do it, please don't make me do it. Please.