Treatment

I just got back from the "Faces of Recovery: Community Panel Discussion on Eating Disorders". It was awesome. I asked the panel if they thought I should leave school and go to recovery, or stay in school and wait. They basically said recovery comes before school... I've been getting strong signals from every direction that recovery is the most important thing right now. But I just can't do it! I can't! I need school, and I hate to admit it, but I feel like I'm not sick (thin) enough for recovery.

In other news, I'm at 142.9 pounds now! So that is over a dozen in less than a week! Congratulations to me. I'm really proud of myself. And I feel a lot better about myself. Still a long way to go before I'm an acceptable weight, but it's getting better.

I have a weird thing happening though... my mouth has been tasting TERRIBLE for the past few days. I have this constant taste like something died in my mouth. It's driving me nuts. I'm about to drink a (black) tea, so hopefully that will help a bit. I'm wondering if I might have thrush deeper in my throat or something...?

I really should shower tonight. But I'm so tired, and it's cold, and wah wah wah I don't want to.

Fuck it, I really have to. I will. At least the water will be warm.

Peace.

EDIT: I showered, it was lovely. Glad I did. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'll probably weigh more, because I'm having an apple juice right now (feeling fat but it makes the mouth thing SO much better) and I'll be with my mom, so I might have to eat. I'll have to fast after tomorrow. I'll have to eat Tim Hortons, probably. Delicious, but SO FATTENING. Oh well. I'll fast for at least 5 days afterwards. And I should probably want to weigh more for my doctor, eh? So he's not too suspicious? But there's such a sick sense of pride in being a few pounds lighter ever time I go.
And it won't seem as dramatic as it is. Last time I went, I was 148 pounds. I gained it all back, but he doesn't know that. So I'll only be 5 pounds less than last time, not a bit deal. And because of the necessary eating, I'll probably weigh more than that.
Fucking hell... is it terrible that now I want that Tim Hortons bagel really badly, and might even ask for it willingly? I'm disgusting.