Losing

I think I'm going to start updating here again.

I had totally abandoned my blog for tumblr (add me if you have one! http://legslikecigarettes.tumblr.com), but I don't talk about myself there. I just reblog thinspo and stuff. So I'm going to come back here to talk about my life, and use my tumblr for my thinspo. It seems like a good answer to me.

The first thing that's necessary to update you on is this: I am definitely going to inpatient treatment. It sucks, I'm so upset. I don't want to go! I'm finally losing weight steadily. All of my GWs are lined up and in sight. It actually feels possible, for the first time ever. It feels totally possible. Especially since I measured myself today and found out that I'm 5'10¾, instead of the 5'10 I had been using before. So my BMI is lower than I thought, which is great. I'm using 5'10½ on my measurements, though because it's easier; I don't want to seem too finicky.
But now it will all be ruined. They said I should be admitted within 2-5 weeks. That's so soon! I might miss the skit I'm supposed to be in, I might miss going to Cirque du Soleil with my friend, I might miss my best friend's graduation... there are so many things I could miss. It's terrifying. And I'm going to have to gain weight, which means I'll be fat forever. I'll never be thin, unless I relapse when I come out, which means I'll have wasted everyone's time. And I looked at their sample meal plan... I honestly can't do it. It's terrifying. I really can't eat that much food.

This is the place I'm going: http://www.homewood.org/healthcentre/main.php
It's supposed to be one of the best in Canada. Elizabeth Taylor went there for her alcoholism, and it was even Michael Jackson's first choice (although he didn't go, because they couldn't get together enough security for him). I keep trying to convince myself that this will be good. But I'm finally losing weight! And my health isn't in danger or anything, it's stupid to think that I need this. Because I don't. It's overkill. I do not need inpatient. I mean, look at my weight! I'm not even close to underweight!
This is just honestly stupid and I don't want it.

Anyway, I'm going to go put dirty dishes in the kitchen so it will look like I've eaten, take my diet pills and drink a bunch of water, and then go for a run.

Exist

I've been updating infrequently, and I do apologize. I don't think anyone reads this anymore, but I apologize nonetheless.

I've just been... overwhelmed. First I was spending too long sleeping, and reblogging thinspo in between sleep. Now I'm reblogging thinspo, and almost never sleeping.

Today (well, technically, yesterday), I went out for coffee with a friend (an elderly woman I met at a church). A few days ago, I admitted to her that I had an ED. I'm playing a part in a play she wrote, and I had to tell her that there was a possibility I would have to leave town rather suddenly, so I needed an understudy just in case. I couldn't think of a way to say that without sounding suspicious, so I just came right out and said, "I might not be able to do it if I have to go to inpatient treatment for my eating disorder." She immediately said, "We need to go out for coffee this week," and so yesterday we did. First she took me to vote (my first time being old enough! I'm extremely disappointed with the results, though ― Harper won a majority government. There go my rights and freedoms...), and then we ran several errands that she needed to do. I tagged along.

After the voting, while we were on our way to do errands, she said, "Are you doing the bulimia thing or the not-eating thing?" and I responded, "The not-eating thing." She said, "Good, you're not puking and you're not emaciated or anything, so I don't need to worry."
And that was that.

I honestly wanted to cry. I know she's right, I obviously don't look emaciated. I'm at a healthy weight. But all I heard was, "You're fat, so I don't need to worry." That's how it translated in my head.

The rest of the day, I just did fake smiles and fake conversation and fake laughs, all while crying in my head. I hate myself. Why am I so disgusting? Even other people notice how fat I am, obviously. Otherwise she would be worried.

With the Harper win, the amount I had to eat today while hanging out with another friend, and the elderly friend's "not emaciated" comments, I'm basically not pleased in general. And by that, I mean I fucking hate myself and my world so much, I don't know what to do.

But I do know what to do. I'll tell you exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to take that "not emaciated" comment as a challenge. I'm going to fast for 10 days, and then I'm going to do the ABC, and then I'm going to fast for a couple of days, and then I'm going to do the SGD.
So it will be:

10 Days Fast
And then:

And then fast for three days, and then:

That takes me to the end of July. My best friend's high school graduation is on June 18th, and exactly a month later is my birthday (and within the week before my own, the birthdays of all of my family members). Hopefully, I'll be at least close to my UGW in time for the graduation (at very minimum, I hope to be technically underweight by that point), and I'll have reached it in time for my birthday. Or so I hope.

And this is all assuming that I can get out of going to treatment. I'm applying for jobs this week, I'm making diet plans for the summer... I'm basically pretending it's not going to happen. It may very well happen. Hell, for all I know, I'm going next week. And that terrifies me.

It's 6:00 a.m. Last night I went to sleep around the same time, and woke up a couple hours later. The night before, I got maybe 2 hours of sleep. Why can't I sleep anymore? I mean, I could. I just don't want to.

But I'm going to. So good night... or good morning.
Here are some light, floaty dresses. Note to self: Remember floating. Don't eat; remember floating.

I Am Officially Disgusting

I don't know why I keep eating. I guess I'm not used to having a kitchen with food on hand constantly. But it's there now. I don't know what to do. Why can't I stop? Today I've had raw honey comb (about 100 calories... and I'm a vegan!!), Praeventia cookies (150 calories), and now I'm drinking a Cream Soda that my brother brought me (170 calories). That was with a few chugs of soy milk in between, so I'm guessing about 450 calories for today. For fuck's sake, I hope I don't have anymore. I mean I still have more than half the can of cream soda left, so I could stop drinking it and cut that down to 370 and stay below 400... But my calorie goal for the next 6 weeks is 500 or less, so it's okay for me to get to 450. But I didn't want to eat until May started! Okay, for fuck's sake I pray to god I can keep from eating tomorrow and Saturday. Sunday I'm going to lunch and then Stars on Ice with Tammy, so I'll probably have to eat then. But until then, I'll do my best.

For fuck's sake though... I hate myself so much. I wonder if I can go to the park and swing on the swingset there for a while tonight, after Girl, Interrupted is over. That should burn calories, right? About 200 calories per hour. I think I could definitely do at least an hour, which would still leave me with way too many calories. But it'd be something. Maybe I could convince myself to keep going for 2 or 3 hours to burn more. We'll see. If I can get off my fast ass and walk over to the park. I'm a bit afraid of going to a park alone at midnight, but oh well.

In other news, I started a tumblr: http://legslikecigarettes.tumblr.com/
I'm wasting a lot of time sitting around looking at pictures of beautiful people. I wish I was one of them. I figure it doesn't really matter, since I have nothing else to do with my time anyway.

UPDATE: I threw out about a quarter of the cream soda, so my total intake for today was about 430 or so. I also remembered I'd had a small handful of dried cranberries. So that's decent, right? It's better than eating "normal" amounts of food. I think I'm definitely going to go to the park, though.