Awful

I feel disgusting.

I just ate and ate and ate! I wasn't even hungry, I didn't want food or anything, but I went to this stress-buster in my residence where they had cookies and icing and bubbles. I went just to blow bubbles and I was happily doing that when one of the RAs made me a cookie with icing on it and I felt too bad to reject it so I ate it, and then it was delicious and I ate more and I ended up eating a whole bunch and I feel disgusting! I'm probably going to have gained so much weight by tomorrow, I'm so disgusted with myself! My self-esteem was already terrible tonight, my stomach was sticking out and looking ugly and disgusting, and now this! And the icing was so sweet that I had to get a drink to wash it down so I got a gingerale and so there are a bunch more calories! That's probably at least as many as I had yesterday. And I didn't want to eat at all today! I'm so disappointed. Tomorrow I'll probably have my soy milk, even though I had planned to have a day of nothing before getting into the soy milk routine. I might skip the soy milk tomorrow, we'll see. And I'm a vegan, too! Icing almost definitely is not vegan, I don't know why I just lost my mind and agreed to eat the cookie. I just hate disappointing people, and the residence staff worked so hard to put that event together and they had so many cookies and they wanted them all to get eaten up so they kept telling me to have more... Ugh.

From now on, I will be strong and say no, even if it means disappointing someone. I'm disgusting disgusting disgusting. I hate myself. If I'm back above 145 lbs tomorrow, I swear I'm not eating or drinking anything again for a week. God I hate myself. Stupid fucking disgusting huge body.

I'm tempted to go try to purge, but as I've mentioned before, I've never been successful at purging. Maybe the fact that I ate so much this time will help it come up, but I hate even trying, it feels awful. Besides, maybe if I have to deal with the consequences of my actions, I'll learn not to make such stupid mistakes in the future.

The rest of the day was pretty nice, though. I went to that appointment with the writer-in-residence, as I mentioned. She told me I was definitely a writer, and encouraged me to pursue writing. It was very encouraging. She also told me that I was very wise for my age, and was surprised to learn that I was only 18 and in my first year of university. So that was good for my self-esteem, for sure. Not enough to make up for how much I hate my body, but it was still nice to hear.

Well, I'm feeling disgusting with myself, and I'm tired. I think I'll go shower and then go to bed. Although I'm considering taking an hour walk through my favourite 5km trail... it's sketchy and really difficult to see this late at night, but it would burn some calories that I can't easily burn in my room while my roommate is here ― my stair stepper is really loud, and would definitely keep her awake.

Off I go to hate myself. I hope you're doing better than I am.
Here's some stomach-focused thinspo, because I'm hating mine so much right now.